This is an uber-personal post that delves deep into our lives. If that makes you uncomfortable, then I’m sorry. The Bible says that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” I want you to know about how God loves me, how God sustains, and how God prepared my heart for trial.
Recently, I had to delete a drafted post I had written. I had called it my “hush hush” post. It was the story of how we learned that we were pregnant. It would have been our first pregnancy, and we were waiting until our first doctor’s visit to announce.
But that visit never came, and that draft never got published. By every educated guess, we were between five and six weeks when I miscarried. Just enough time to get really excited about this baby. I had ordered books from amazon, we told our parents, I even started a secret board on pinterest called “preggers.” It’s not uncommon for women to miscarry in their first trimester, so we knew that losing the baby was a very real possibility. Still, I was eaten up with the hope that everything would go smoothly and we’d be holding our first child by October.
And then that day happened.
I knew something was off. My body was already doing some unusual things as it prepared for pregnancy, but that morning was different. It was wrong. I went to work like normal, keeping an eye out for unusual acitvity, dreading what was becoming more and more of a probability than a possibility. A huge blessing of my job is the opportunity to attend a chapel service during the day. God knew what I needed. What I had to hear to be prepared for what was coming. You can listen to the sermon here, it’s the one from February 12. God was just stockpiling in my heart a balm for the sadness that was to come. One of Dr. Reccord’s points came from Matthew 14:25,
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea.
I’ve been very, very, very blessed in my life not to be thrust into the midst of tragedy very often. Miscarrying this baby has been one of the hardest things I’ve personally been through. It has been one of the darkest experiences of my life. But listening to that sermon, I was encouraged that this time would be exactly when God would reveal Himself. The Lord knew when I would desperately feel the need for Him in my life. He knew how I would need to be comforted. God wasn’t surprised with the way I responded to the situation. He already had a good and a perfect plan in place, all I had to do was follow Him through this journey called miscarriage.
And let me tell you, I want you to hear loud and clear, I’ve had one of the most blessed times with the Lord. I cannot even begin to express how sweet my relationship with the Lord has been the last few weeks. It’s been a time of prayer, a time of weeping, a time of crying out, a time even of confession. I have craved time with the Lord so much these last few weeks, that even in a time of mourning the Lord has revealed to me sin in my life that had to be dealt with. I’ve learned so much about the gentle, loving side of the Lord. Clinging to the Lord throughout all this sadness has made it so bearable. Not easy, I still cry intermittently and sometimes for no apparent reason, but the Bible says that Jesus is our friend who sticks closer than a brother and it is so true.
Now, in order to give these overwhelming thoughts and feelings some semblance of order, I would like to list some of the things that I have learned throughout this time.
1. God is the Great Comforter. The Bible says,
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
I’ve read 2 Corinthians before. These verses aren’t completely unknown to me. Yet they became very real during this miscarriage. God didn’t stop being mighty or righteous and He wasn’t any less great but during these weeks His presence as a comforter became the most recognizable characteristic of the Lord for me.
2. It’s okay to let others minister to you. I think this was one of the hardest lessons for me to grasp, and it took my patient and precious husband pointing it out to get me to understand. Everyone has been very kind and we know that we have been prayed for extensively these last weeks. We had some very sweet and loving friends offer to bring us a meal one night. I confess my first reaction was oh no that’s not necessary. I didn’t want to be a burden. But my lover pointed out that this was an opportunity for other believers to minister as God has called them to and refusing would be unwise. In the end we were not only provided a meal, but given encouragement and once again assured that we were being prayed for.
3. Grief only lasts for a little while. The Bible says,
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:4-5
Notice that it doesn’t say not to grieve. But the Bible also does not say that you are supposed to grieve forever. The promise here is that joy will come, and that grief only lasts for a short time.
My lover and I both want to use our experience during this time to minister to others. We want others to know that clinging to the Lord through a difficult time is absolutely the best way to deal with grief. And I want other women who have experienced the tragedy of miscarriage to know that you are not alone. There are all kinds of statistics and numbers out there that are supposed to tell you how normal this is, how commonly miscarriage happens. For me that wasn’t enough. I needed the chance to talk with other women who have been through a similar experience. It breaks my heart to hear how many women have gone through just this very thing, and if this describes you I want you to know I am praying for you.
***I have kept this worship Wednesday post focused on my relationship with Christ through this difficult time. However I do want to leave this quick note to assure you that I am healthy and physically doing very well. We are hoping that soon we’ll be able to invite you to rejoice with us in expecting a child. Until that time we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your continued prayers and words of encouragement. Praise be to the Lord.***